xx
Hello, tumbly. Today is the one week mark. One week ago today I took a huge - and terrifying! - step in battling my anxiety, depression and PTSD by starting a full-time partial-hospitalization therapy program. All day long, Monday through Friday, I’m in the hospital with others who also suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD, or some combination thereof working through group therapy process groups, attending skills lectures, planning for the future, etc.
And holy shit is it exhausting.
But you know what else it is? Invigorating. Affirming. Clarifying. Comforting. Energizing. Hopeful. Helpful. Wonderful.
I actually found myself on Friday, as we were heading into the weekend, worrying about what I was going to do during two days without program. How I was going to fill my time. And over the weekend I actually found myself missing it. And then on Monday I was actually kind of excited to be back to it! What? I never in a million years thought that would happen. I didn’t even want to go in for an assessment at first. But now, I’m so glad and grateful that I’m there. I’m seeing how it’s going to benefit me. Hell, I’m already starting to see some benefits.
I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m learning about my anxiety and my depression and my PTSD. I’m learning about how my body works and how my mind works and how my spirit works and how my emotions work - and how all four of these things work together and with each other. I”m learning skills and techniques I can use to help me cope, to help me work, to help me thrive.
I forgot what it was to believe that I could have a future. To believe that I deserve a future. And I’m not there yet. The anxiety, depression, PTSD, flashbacks, distorted thoughts, negative self-talk, etc. etc. etc. - it’s all still there. I still have my triggers. I still look at situations and interactions and only see the negative in them. But I’m trying not to. I’m trying to reframe. I’m trying to be aware of these negative automatic thoughts. I’m working to change.
And that’s huge for me. I’m taking steps. Some of them are small. Some of them are bigger. But each one of them is a step. And each one of them is taking me a little bit closer to my recovery goals.
Anyway, I’m probably going to be posting a bit more on here. But program and recovery has helped me realize that a huge part of my unhealthy behaviors and patterns involves isolating. Which I’ve used tumblr to do. So I still won’t be around very much until I’m confident and comfortable that I’m able to maintain a diversified balance in my day-to-day life.
I’ve identified a lot of things and people that I react to negatively or that I use as an excuse or crutch to maintain cycles of negative behaviors. So I’m working to distance myself from things and slowly introduce them back into my life to figure out which ones I can make a permanent part of my life and live with in a healthy way - and those that I have to say goodbye to.
So my tumblr behavior is still going to be different - at least for awhile. But it’s worth it, I think.
It’s only been a week but I’m already seeing a difference. And that? That makes it worth every single moment that’s uncomfortable or hard or anxiety-producing.
It’s only been a week but I made change. And I’m going to keep on making it.
countrygrammer
